Helping Families Heal During the Holiday Season
For those of us who have lost a child, the holiday season can be an overwhelming time of anxiety and sadness. The familiar rituals of family togetherness and being home for the holidays may leave us feeling alone and isolated. While the world around is celebrating, managing the pain and navigating this incredibly difficult time is often challenging for those who are grieving. The nostalgia of the season can renew the pain of loss even years after a child’s death.
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Try to acknowledge that the upcoming holiday season may be a very difficult time for you. The first holiday without your child can be an especially painful one. Consider scaling back. Together, as a family, create new holiday traditions. If you have other children, ask them what they would like to do. Then, as a family, decide the best way to spend the holidays.
While planning your holiday time in advance will not change your loss, it may give you a sense of control over the occasion. Seasonal gatherings can be painful for those who are grieving. As difficult as this may be, try not to set your expectations of yourself or others too high. Let it be your choice how spend time honouring your child’s memory. Many bereaved parents will tell you that looking ahead to the possible sources of discomfort helped them better navigate this difficult time. Often families will change their familiar rituals and opt to do something different for the holidays, especially the first year after their child’s death. As a family, you may seek solace in a more private holiday experience where you can hold your memories close.
When it comes to grief, children often become the forgotten mourners. Talk to your children about their feelings as the holidays can still be a special time for them. Children need to express their emotions as they adapt to life without their precious brother or sister. Allow them to celebrate the holidays too. It’s normal for children to grieve in small doses. One minute they may be overwhelmed by their sadness, and the next rejoicing.
Look for ways to include the memory of your loved one in your holiday celebration. Encourage your children to make or do something meaningful. This could be making a holiday card or a special gift, lighting a special candle, creating an ornament, volunteering with a children’s charity or donating toys to those in need – all these can be beautiful ways to honour your child’s memory. Giving something of yourself to others can be healing during the holidays.
Every December, our family attends a “Blue Christmas” evening carol sing at our local cemetery. We also attend holiday services of remembrance in our community. As a family we savour time spent time with other bereaved families and the connection with the professionals who cared for Josiah. This year, our daughters will hang their traditional angel ornament on our local hospice tree, and together we will make a wreath for Josiah and place it at the cemetery.
Throughout the holiday season I encourage you to seek solace in others who share your pain. Find comfort in someone who can listen. Many hospices offer special workshops to help parents and siblings get through the holidays.
Have faith. Grief is a process of letting go of what was and accepting what is. Grieving is excruciatingly painful but it is also your salvation. Grieving is how you can come to terms with your child’s death. I have learned that you don’t recover after the loss of a child. You adapt. You come to a place in your life where you can carry your loss forward and incorporate the loss within you.
“There are moments amidst their celebrations – the lights and the magic and the laughter – when I bow my head and turn away. Tears crash down my cheeks, and all I can do is remember how deeply I love and miss you.” Joanne Cacciatore
Shari Morash, Author
To learn more, visit www.lovingyourbaby.ca
At the first Candle Lighting Service of Remembrance held at SickKids Hospital, we illuminated a candle in memory of our son and brother, Josiah, while listening to the very touching words of the PACT Team who cared so deeply for each child.
At the Candle Lighting Service held at SickKids, children were given the opportunity to create loving keepsakes in memory of their sibling with Child Life specialists. Our children each made a picture frame and glass candle holder with a photo of their brother. Families were united together before and after the service, a special opportunity to connect with others who also share their loss.